Tuesday, December 30, 2008

being the BEST you right now

girls are guilty of fantasizing of their prince charmings even at a young age. they envision their perfect man, atop a white horse and clad in a suit of armor,of course with a killer smile. boys, however, start picturing their pretty woman by the time they become aware that there are other types of living, breathing human beings who are unlike them in every way yet they find incredibly attractive. both genders reach an age when they realize that the other doesn't have cooties. this is also the time that they think they're ready for love.

although what i've made above may be hasty generalizations of both sexes, i think most of us envision having future mates who are so perfect you would think they didn't come from this world. but isn't that unfair - to want someone who is perfect without so much as thinking if we ourselves are deserving of such? before even thinking of being in a relationship with your dream guy/girl we must first learn to be a suitable type of person for our future partner.

Don't idealize.Get real, nobody's perfect. everybody in this world has committed a mistake and has weaknesses and imperfections. of course we would want only the best for ourselves, but let's be realistic and reflect really on what will suit us. i'm not all against dreaming big and aiming high, but stay grounded. stay true to who you really are.

We are the ones who really give the measure of what we expect. Therefore, before even thinking of being in a relationship with your dream guy/girl we must first learn to be a suitable type of person for our future partner.

how do we do this?

1. Have a good self-image and good self-esteem

-Knowing yourself is of utmost importance to guage your readiness. A good self-image means that your idea or your belief about yourself is bound with reality. there is no disillusionment. Let me add healthy to that good self-image. This means that even in exclusion of other people, you are satisfied and comfortable with who you are. A good self-esteem means that you have a strong belief in yourself and in your abilities. This will be your key in socializing with other people and making friends.

2.Examine yourself and strengthen your weaknesses.

-Try writing it down. It's more real when you see it on paper. write down what you think you excel in or where you're good at. this may include physical attributes, attitudes, behaviors, values, beliefs, talents and ministry. then, write down your weaknesses. ask GOD for humility so that HE may reveal to you the things you might need to work on. Example, you might get easily angry over small stuff. This would not work if you would be in a relationship in the future. So you have to work on it, starting now.

3.Be willing to yield and be reconciled.

-Submission is oftentimes hard because the word "submission" is always associated with the words "surrender" and "defeat". and this is the hardest thing to do when all the organs inside of you are screaming in unison saying "I WANT LOVE RIGHT NOW!". This would be incredibly frustrating even more when God says to you, "NOT YOUR TIME YET." But being ready to enter in a relationship means that you should be used to compromise and most of the time giving to the other person rather than getting what you want. And chiseling your attitude towards that is best done now rather than when you're in the midst of a relationship. Allow GOD to shape your attitude by learning everyday to submit to HIS will and surrendering your heart to HIM. I know, waiting in silence can be really lonely and can drive you crazy at times but I assure you, there is a GOD in control and HE wants you to yield to HIM first as HE prepares HIS future for you.

4. Allow yourself to be corrected.

- As I said above, this is the time to iron-out those wrinkles in your attitude and reshape thse behaviors into something your future spouse would be proud of. Everything we do now will impact our future. This time of solitude is given to us right now for a reason and that is to prepare us into something better. Listen to your fiends, your family (your parents) especially on what they can see are the areas you need to improve on. Don't be afraid to come up to them and ask. They are the persons who know you well and i think they are the ones who would be honest and firm enough with you to help you in this season. Look to your church leaders, a mature christian female if you're a girl and christian male if you're a guy. Growing in a Christ-like way never hurts anyone. I know it is hard to admit that we made mistakes and that we have done wrong maybe in the past or even right now. I tell you only a brave few can do it because it really requires a humble heart to really get this suggestion into practice. But always ask for the grace of GOD and HIS wisdom and I'm sure HE will not fail to hear you.

All self-help books available in the market might says something else but all these four points drive down to one point that I wish to make: if you want to be the best you right now, only GOD can help you with that. No mantra, no, book, no program, no blog, no person, no doctor, no specialist, no saint, no miracle worker can change you. ONLY GOD CAN. It is only when you choose to submt to follow HIS will and not your own will you experience HIS changing power moving in your life and the transformation into being the BEST you can happen.

Try it today, and be prepared tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

WANTED: BF/GF part 2

i have had 3 boyfriends already even before i realized that iwasn't really ready to enter in a relationship. i had my first boyfriend when i was only 14 years old and at that age. a usual teenager would be worried more on school, studying hard to get into a reputable college. but at that time, my mind was busy wandering into the world of crushes, relationships, and flirting. it was enough for me that i felt something for another person to consider him as one of my "prospects", even if that feeling was really vague and misleading. it wasn't all like in the movies or teeny-bopper shows depicting puppy love because it always ended up in one's heart being broken: mine and the guy's. all because i wasn't ready.

why is it important to be ready?
relationships should not be treated as a joke. we are talking about people's hearts and feelings. if we do not take these matters seriously, it would either cause us or somebody else pain which could have been avoided only in we have chosen to be ready first. and who would want one heartache after another? it would be very inconsiderate of the person you would enter in a relationship with if we commit without really being ready.

what steps can you take to get ready?
1. Consider a time of solitude for yourself.
-a time of singleness is always a blessing. elisabeth elliot said in her book passion and purity", that each of us were called to serve GOD as singles and this should be how we think unless GOD has made it clear to us that HE has called us into marriage otherwise. being single gives you time to know yourself more and know what you want in life, including what you want in a future mate.

2. Acknowledge that GOD has control over your love life.
-God has chosen a perfect mate for you. and HE will let you meet in HIS proper time. so there is no need for you to "try out" several people. don't make the "oh, i'm helping GOD with finding my mate, perfect with everything i want" excuse to enter into short-term, purpose-less relationships. HE has a plan for your life and it was made for your good. (Jer.29:11)

3. Wait without anxiety.
-waiting in silence to hear GOD's voice is the hardest. bearing the uncertainty, self-doubts and all the "what if's" you can think of will make you want to ask "LORD when will my time come?" waiting without anxiety entails that we trust GOD completely and without questions. Ask GOD to revise your heart to trust HIM, HIS choices more than your own.

4. Ensure that your thoughts and feelings are in line with the Bible.
-Renew your mind. When we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, he made us into new creations(2Cor.5:17). The bible says, we must be transformed with the renewing of our minds and no longer conform with the ways of this world. This, my friends, includes our love lives.

5. Seek inner healing and ministry for wounds form the past.
-These wounds may be caused by: infidelity, lack of acceptance, physical and verbal abuse. It is imporatnt for us to do this to get ready so that there will be no entry point for the enemy to use to access or affect our future relationships. Entering a relationship with unhealed wounds may cause difficulty and damages to you and your mate that can be avoided if you settle this first. Go to a trusted Christian adult (same gender as you are) who can minister to you in this area.

how would you know if you are ready?
you'll know you're ready when GOD says that you are. and we can only be sure by this by keeping an intimate relationship with HIM and not losing touch with our creator. He created us. He has a plan for us and He has timed everything in our life perfectly to meet His plan for our lives.

when i met allan, God has just called me out of a relationship because i felt that He wanted me to accomplish something - something that i had to do alone. although people around me did not get this, they thought i was just cruel to have broken up with my ex without any definite reason. But now as i look back, God had designed that time for me to know myself more and to get ready. I am very much happy I trusted GOD during that time. Even if it was difficult at times, I have found GOD's purpose for this time in my life and in the end i found it really rewarding.

what's next?
watch out for my next blog. being the best you can be.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

WANTED: BF/GF part 1

even though my brain is on the verge of a stand still from info-overload, i still can squeeze in some time to blog.

i've often seen this "ad" on the textmates wanted portion of the newspapers or written on the back seat of buses. some would even go to extreme extents as to offer sexual favors to attract "responders". numerous internet services have been established to cater for people in search for their perfect mate.

people have heeded to the invitation without really knowing what it takes to be somebody's partner..what it means to be committed to someone or even what COMMITMENT means.

they hide behind the "feeling" they perceive as "love" or mere "attraction" as their basis for readiness to commit to somebody. for those people scratching their heads right now, confused and asking questions.let me tell you... if this is how you think, then i can be sure you're heading for a heartache right here and now.

so how can you esay you're ready?
find out on my next blog...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

to tell or not to tell?

since i was a teenager i have gotten into trouble for talking too much. even in kindergarten, i was dubbed "most talkative". i even had to go to an EENT doctor to have my larynx examined for recurrent sore throats and voice problems. my vocal chords, as examination would show, have grown in thickness beyond that of a normal girl. scientifically, girls' vocal chord should thin out as she matures, but the opposite happened to me due to my excessive talking.

i have found myself being scolded for things i have said that should have stayed in my head. i have blurted out things to my parents which i wish i shouldn't have. i have made some of my classmates cry because of comments i made. i have even been confronted by my peers for my nasty humor. acoording to them, i say stuff that i should have just kept for myself. that was before.

i know i have a big mouth. this maybe the reason that most of the people i have met recently know my life/love story.

my love story. relationships. these are the things i blabber most about. probably because GOD reshaped my way of thinking and renewed my views on love and purity. i am not afraid to tell my ideas for i strongly believe in them since i have experienced it for myself. i am not even afraid to talk about my past - no matter how dark and twisted it is. i tell people, "don't be folled by the pretty face."

most people would be ashamed of talking about something they wish never happened or they never did. most people would be afraid to stand in front of a crowd or even just an audience of one to tell their story. most people would be traumatized if after mustering the courage to recount their story, they were faced with criticisms and judgment rather than a pat on the back.

most people would. but i believe i am not like most people. why?

i can tell people how i have lived while looking them straight in the eye, not because i'm not ashamed of it (though most parts ARE shameful), but because i know in my heart that my SAVIOR has paid the price for these sins that i have committed and that HE has made me whole again. i am a new creation: the old is gone, and the new has come. i do not tell people my past, especially the young girls i minister to, to have them emulate me and to experience it for themselves. i tell them my story because i know that this is where GOD has displayed HIS power most in my life. and this i am not ashamed of.

people closest to me would advise me not to speak of it anymore because of past experiences that have lead them to believe that i have damaged my own reputation. but, i see things differently. i believe that when a person gains full realization of the meaning of the CROSS and the DEPTH OF GOD'S LOVE in their life, you can't keep that person from speaking out.

i believe this is where GOD has called me to minister. "not to tell" is not an option.
i am a walking testimony. i choose to live a life that shouts HIS fame.

Friday, December 19, 2008

thanks kuya kevin

i have been really burdened for a few weeks now about a girl under my care who apparently had been having relationship problems. it's not the usual bf-gf problems i usually encounter and have alot of experience dealing with. this time it's different. a lot of complications have emerged which added the burden i have in my heart. i think of it even when i sleep.

thankfully, i kuya kevin was very helpful to give me advise on how to go about this matter. i posted a comment on his blog and he promptly replied.

Thank you for your work and ministry with youth!This young woman needs to be
confronted with the truth of Scripture. Yes, you must be as sensitive as
possible because she is young and confused. BUT, don't be afraid of offending
her. Think of it this way: Imagine I'm a doctor and I have a patient with
cancer. I would have to tell him the truth. It would be unethical not to tell
him.In the same way, we have to tell the truth to those who are spiritually
sick. In the case of same-sex attraction, we must let people know that God's
mind has not changed--He does not bless same-sex relationships. She needs to
know that she is damaging her relationship with God and creating damaging
strongholds in her life.
3:34 AM

even in the wee hours of the morning he replied. i thank God for you, kuya kevin. i wouldn't have known where to start. God bless you.

now i'm just praying "the sun would smile on us" on saturday.

staying up all night

i love sleep. that's why it's such a shock for most people to know that i have entered the call center industry which everybody knows usually operates at night.

my body was not able to adjust to the new sleeping pattern immediately. i was oftentimes sleepy going to work because i couldn't get enough hours of deep sleep that i need. i would go home with a pounding headache or feeling as though i'm floating and my head was as heavy as a water melon.

it's my second week working and my body has already adapted to my new rhythm of sleep and wakefulness. thank God, otherwise i would be in need of a bucket of stimulants everyday so my brain would not go into zombie mode.

this is my first job. and besides wanting to help out with my family's finances, i'm motivated by my desire to earn and save up enough cash so i can get married in four years. see, if you have a goal in mind, then your actions would follow the right direction for you to achieve what you are striving for. if you know the purpose why you're doing this stuff, then you would be more focused and life would be much easier since it eliminates the need to do things you know would not help you in meeting your goal. the prize in the end keeps you going.

it would really be nice to get a good night sleep and dream about your love. but i'm thankful to have this work because i know this is God's way to get me from point A to B. sleeping is good, but hey, i still can dream about my life - awake.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


well, two days ago, allan and i had a fight. and it was over stuff so petty it would make you scratch your head until it bleeds. we fought over saving and keeping our ex's phone numbers.

a few days before, i informed him through text message that i erased all the numbers of my ex's and any other boy who i have been linked with. i felt i had no need of them anymore and would have no reason to use it in the future. so i erased them. i told allan about it and it wasn't because i wanted him to do the same (at first) but because i wanted to express to him how far i would go to build and keep his trust. i felt eradicating any reason for doubt to seep in would be the answer.

the heated discussion started when i asked him if he kept his ex's phone numbers and if he made any recent efforts to contact them in any way. the answer was yes to the first question. this came as a shock. i wasn't aware of this before. i just replied "ok" but deep down, a million questions started flooding my brain. the idea that struck me and triggered my pain center was that of the thought that the reason why he still kep those phone numbers is because they still mattered to him and he can't let them go. explanations came back and forth until i fell asleep. when i woke up i realized i don't want to fight over this stuff. i texted him and said that i was just afraid to lose him and that it bothers me the fact that he was so sentimental about his ex's. i don't tolerate any rivals - in his phone or in his heart.

he apologized and told me that he already erased the numbers. but he started pointing out the times when he,too,was hurt about the numbers in my phone yet he emphasized that he kept silent about it and didn't pick a fight with me. my blood boiled over. he said stuff that really hurt and if it were not for a sort of divine restraint i would've retaliated. but after a few minutes i realized one thing:he had a point.

we made up. i didn't want to be stubborn and harbor all the pain and hurt and be overcome with my gnawing insecurities over inexistent phone numbers of people who no longer matter to us. our love mattered more. he mattered more to me than anything else.

the trust issue was then brought into play. was it because we distrusted each other that's why we were afraid of the possibility the numbers sved in our phone may present? maybe. these are the things we may need to work on. love eliminates all fears. and for this to hold true we should learn to let our love do the thinking for us and not our suspicious counter-egos. the distance really takes its toll.

i don't want to have a fight with him ever again. it's so emotionally and physically draining. and i can't afford to lose momentum with work and having to stay up all night and everything. thank God he'll be coming home soon.

wish he was here.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

two sweet days

moments spent together, no matter how short the time, are worth remembering.

allan and his family came to manila for pastor glenn's ordination (now he's r.p.g. [reverend pastor glenn]). when he told me i thought he was joking. i was at the teleperformance recruitment office that whole day(nov.28) doing tests and interviews. yet i had to return the next day for the job offer. when i told him the story, he said that we would meet then after i finished what i had to do tomorrow. i just laughed and said "ows?" i really didn't believe him. he said he was serious so i said "ok" just to settle the situation.

i was at edsa-central once again the following day[nov.29] for the job offer and medical examination. i was late because i slept at 4am coming from church. i would've finished the medical exam quicker if Jen and Loreen (my new acquaintances) didn't yank me out of the health first office to eat lunch at Jollibee. after that we went back and by 2:00pm i was done. i was glad it was over and i could rush to gateway to meet allan...but i was disturbed by the doctor's diagnosis that i may have a thyroid problem. bummer.

kicking the idea out of my head i ran to the MRT station, took the train to cubao. and he was waiting there at farmer's. you'd think that after not seeing each other for almost three months, being reunited would be like in the movies where the girl and boy start running toward each other from a considerable distance.and when they meet the boy would lock the girl in sweet embrace and lift her up in the air. kinda like an OFW coming home scene. hmm..no such thing happened.

we quietly proceeded to gateway. what i found weird was that i found myself trying to adjust to the thought and the reality that he was by my side, that he was right there, that he was holding my hand and saying my name not through the phone but he's right there...with me.

we found an empty table at the food court and just sat there staring at each other for hours. getting used to it, you might say. but in my head i know these moments will be short lived and that he would leave me again the day after tomorrow.

we met with his mama, papa, older brother, and tita for snacks. we had KFC chicken burger meals and snack boxes. small talk. allan left to buy more burgers.less talk.no talk. it felt really uncomfortable. considering i am someone with the "gift" of gab (hey, i got a call center to hire me),this was unusual for me. my brain was screaming "allan come back!"

we went to kuya glenn and ate niqz' house but they weren't there. we watched the youth practice for their play presentation the next day. after that he took me home. the bus ride was over so fast, we didn't even feel it. our day was over. while walking to the jeep terminal i was already crying. Allan was saying stuff like he way saying goodbye already, i couldn't hold back my tears. months seem like years to us.. days go on like forever. but we still had tomorrow.

sunday.Kuya Glenn's ordination. Mama let me attend church at MMBC. when i arrived, allan was nowhere. He wasn't even awake yet. so I settled myself at the projector area. the program was heart-warming to say the least. It was a day of honoring Kuya Glenn. He worked hard for the church and it was the church's turn to honor him. But he says that all the glory belong to God. there were really touching moments, like when Tito Vice, his father-in law, washed his feet just like Jesus did His disciples. I cried at most parts.

after the program, i couldn't stay. I wasn't feeling ok at all and my heart really felt heavy. I couldn't stop crying. i left the church without telling anyone. but allan came to find me. i was worried that he did because of what his family might say. but he said he chose to be with me and spend time with me. i really wanted to go home but when the bus stopped at trinoma he pulled me and we went into the mall.
we sat down and talked and cried, and cried and cried some more.

because he understood. he knew what i was feeling and he felt the same way. we somehow hope that things would be better but maybe our time hasn't come yet. we hope it would...soon. then we would not have to number the days and count the seconds we are together..we wouldn't worry about being apart for so long again. we pray. we hope. one day. it's in His hands.

we ate lunch. seemed like we developed an appetite after crying so much. sitting still and staring at each other became our protocol. when we got tired of that we went to sm north to see a movie. "twilight"..a bizarre love story. how fitting.
after the movie, it's time to part.

i was really quiet while we were walking. i didn't want him to see that my insides were crying out. i didn't even look at him as i went into the FX. He was crying pala. I cried during the ride home. i regretted not looking into his eyes to say i love him. i know it would be quite sometime til we see each other again and i didn't have the guts to look up to him and reassure him that i will still be his when he comes back because i was so weak.

he's in Isabela again right now and I'm here in Bulacan. I've started counting down, not for christmas, but for his homecoming. Yes, he might be in his hometown and i might be in mine but home is when we are together. Those two short but sweet days prove it.

today i walk alone...he's not with me. yet i do everything thinking that he is with me in my heart. i was riding the train this morning and i looked up to see our favorite spanish poem. its words are engraved in our hearts, like our love it is forever.

Tu justificas mi existencia,
Si no te conozco, no he vivido.
Si muero sin conocerte, no muerte porque no he vivida..