Saturday, December 20, 2008

to tell or not to tell?

since i was a teenager i have gotten into trouble for talking too much. even in kindergarten, i was dubbed "most talkative". i even had to go to an EENT doctor to have my larynx examined for recurrent sore throats and voice problems. my vocal chords, as examination would show, have grown in thickness beyond that of a normal girl. scientifically, girls' vocal chord should thin out as she matures, but the opposite happened to me due to my excessive talking.

i have found myself being scolded for things i have said that should have stayed in my head. i have blurted out things to my parents which i wish i shouldn't have. i have made some of my classmates cry because of comments i made. i have even been confronted by my peers for my nasty humor. acoording to them, i say stuff that i should have just kept for myself. that was before.

i know i have a big mouth. this maybe the reason that most of the people i have met recently know my life/love story.

my love story. relationships. these are the things i blabber most about. probably because GOD reshaped my way of thinking and renewed my views on love and purity. i am not afraid to tell my ideas for i strongly believe in them since i have experienced it for myself. i am not even afraid to talk about my past - no matter how dark and twisted it is. i tell people, "don't be folled by the pretty face."

most people would be ashamed of talking about something they wish never happened or they never did. most people would be afraid to stand in front of a crowd or even just an audience of one to tell their story. most people would be traumatized if after mustering the courage to recount their story, they were faced with criticisms and judgment rather than a pat on the back.

most people would. but i believe i am not like most people. why?

i can tell people how i have lived while looking them straight in the eye, not because i'm not ashamed of it (though most parts ARE shameful), but because i know in my heart that my SAVIOR has paid the price for these sins that i have committed and that HE has made me whole again. i am a new creation: the old is gone, and the new has come. i do not tell people my past, especially the young girls i minister to, to have them emulate me and to experience it for themselves. i tell them my story because i know that this is where GOD has displayed HIS power most in my life. and this i am not ashamed of.

people closest to me would advise me not to speak of it anymore because of past experiences that have lead them to believe that i have damaged my own reputation. but, i see things differently. i believe that when a person gains full realization of the meaning of the CROSS and the DEPTH OF GOD'S LOVE in their life, you can't keep that person from speaking out.

i believe this is where GOD has called me to minister. "not to tell" is not an option.
i am a walking testimony. i choose to live a life that shouts HIS fame.

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