Thursday, December 18, 2008


well, two days ago, allan and i had a fight. and it was over stuff so petty it would make you scratch your head until it bleeds. we fought over saving and keeping our ex's phone numbers.

a few days before, i informed him through text message that i erased all the numbers of my ex's and any other boy who i have been linked with. i felt i had no need of them anymore and would have no reason to use it in the future. so i erased them. i told allan about it and it wasn't because i wanted him to do the same (at first) but because i wanted to express to him how far i would go to build and keep his trust. i felt eradicating any reason for doubt to seep in would be the answer.

the heated discussion started when i asked him if he kept his ex's phone numbers and if he made any recent efforts to contact them in any way. the answer was yes to the first question. this came as a shock. i wasn't aware of this before. i just replied "ok" but deep down, a million questions started flooding my brain. the idea that struck me and triggered my pain center was that of the thought that the reason why he still kep those phone numbers is because they still mattered to him and he can't let them go. explanations came back and forth until i fell asleep. when i woke up i realized i don't want to fight over this stuff. i texted him and said that i was just afraid to lose him and that it bothers me the fact that he was so sentimental about his ex's. i don't tolerate any rivals - in his phone or in his heart.

he apologized and told me that he already erased the numbers. but he started pointing out the times when he,too,was hurt about the numbers in my phone yet he emphasized that he kept silent about it and didn't pick a fight with me. my blood boiled over. he said stuff that really hurt and if it were not for a sort of divine restraint i would've retaliated. but after a few minutes i realized one thing:he had a point.

we made up. i didn't want to be stubborn and harbor all the pain and hurt and be overcome with my gnawing insecurities over inexistent phone numbers of people who no longer matter to us. our love mattered more. he mattered more to me than anything else.

the trust issue was then brought into play. was it because we distrusted each other that's why we were afraid of the possibility the numbers sved in our phone may present? maybe. these are the things we may need to work on. love eliminates all fears. and for this to hold true we should learn to let our love do the thinking for us and not our suspicious counter-egos. the distance really takes its toll.

i don't want to have a fight with him ever again. it's so emotionally and physically draining. and i can't afford to lose momentum with work and having to stay up all night and everything. thank God he'll be coming home soon.

wish he was here.

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